Ok, I’m conflicted about stuff again. I posted about this before, saying that I have no desire to have a significant other, but as I’ve been finding out, it’s not entirely true. I’ve been finding myself wanting someone to trust, to confide in, to be with till the end of days. And pretty badly too. And underlying want, I guess?
But the problem is, everything about romance and couples n’ stuff is absolutely disgusting and repulsive to me. Kissing? Eugh. Holding hands? I need that appendage for stuff and things. Constant companionship? I can’t stand it. SEX?? *vomit noises* Just the thought of a penis makes me want to bleach my eyes
And I’m also conflicted on what exactly I’m attracted to. I saw a compilation of photos from a trans women photo shoot and the first thing that popped into my mind was “DAAANG THEY LOOK HOT!” Instantly followed by confusion. Another is a constant little thought of somewhat effeminate men, I think about it and they bring this totally foreign and alien feeling to me. I’m not sure what it is, but I can’t tell if it’s attraction since I’ve never felt that before. I don’t know what the word is for this, it’s too precise to look up on Google, or anywhere, really.
Maybe it’s the feeling of wanting balance between me, a rather masculine female non-binary, and someone else, an effeminate man or... whatever. I tried to call and ask my mom about this but I got cold feet. I don’t know right now, I feel so, ever so confused